I Am Not a Eunuch
by alsdssg
Summary: Eragon and Murtagh have a conversation concerning Eragon's affection for Arya. Takes place sometime after they reach the Varden in Eragon.


I Am Not a Eunuch

I came up with this when I watched Pirates of the Caribbean II last night at my guy's house. We loved the part where Jack says, "Eunuchy snippy snippy," when they're with the cannibals. Then I started talking about how funny it would be if I wrote a fic where Murtagh called Eragon a eunuch. Here is the result.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue. Thank you.

Eragon was pacing across the floor, rambling about how he thought he had feelings for Arya. Murtagh was leaning back in a chair, rolling his eyes. Eragon was a decent friend, but listening to him talk about Arya for hours on end was more than he could take.

"And I get this really funny feeling in my stomach whenever she's around me. I don't know why that is," Eragon continued.

"It's because you like her," Murtagh groaned. He leaned back too far on his chair and fell backwards.

Eragon seemed to be fighting a laugh. Murtagh glared at him.

"Look, if you like her so much, just make a move on her. The worst she can say is no," Murtagh said exasperatedly. "I've been listening to you talk about it for over an hour. Talk to her about this, you damn eunuch."

Eragon thought this sounded insulting, so he said, "I am not a eunuch."

"If you say so," Murtagh said, getting off the floor and sitting back down on the chair.

"Didn't you learn your lesson the first time?" Eragon asked as Murtagh began to lean back on the chair again.

"I guess not, eunuch," Murtagh said.

"You're the one who's asking me to dishonor Arya," Eragon retorted.

"I'm not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to do something about how you feel. You don't have to screw her or anything. Just say something. Then again, I guess even that would be hard for a eunuch," Murtagh groaned. Once again, Eragon had failed to take a joke.

"You're the eunuch," Eragon shot back.

Murtagh turned to look at him. This was too much, "No, you are."

"No, you are."

This continued for a while. Arya, Nasuada, Orik, Ajihad, and pretty much every other member of the Varden were sitting there eating popcorn. No, I don't know where they got popcorn in Alagaësia, but that's not the point.

Finally, Nasuada got fed up too. She stood up and yelled, "Okay, there is one way to settle this. Eragon, Murtagh, drop your pants, and then we'll know if you're eunuchs or not."

Eragon's mouth dropped open. Murtagh shrugged, and his hands went to the top of his pants.

"Nasuada!" Ajihad yelled.  
"What?" Nasuada asked, not looking away from Murtagh.

"Murtagh!" Ajihad yelled again.

Murtagh's hands dropped. Nasuada looked a little disappointed that his pants didn't come down with them.

Eragon and Murtagh began the "I am not a eunuch; you are" argument again. Everyone who had stopped eating popcorn resumed.

Nasuada leaned over and whispered to Arya, "Honestly, why didn't they just use my idea? It's not that bad, and it would solve everything. Besides, how can you not want to see that?"

Arya just stared at her. Nasuada looked disappointed. She had been sure Arya would have at least agreed with her.

"Hey, what do you have against eunuchs?" a voice said. Eragon and Murtagh stopped arguing to look at the twins.

"Yeah," the other twin said, "why are you prejudiced against our kind?"

"Your kind?" Ajihad asked tentatively. The poor man had just seen his daughter asking two guys to drop their pants, and one of said guys had been perfectly willing to do it. He did not need to know that two of his best magicians were um…lacking in certain departments?

"Yes, we are eunuchs," the twins replied gravely. "It was a personal decision."

"I knew it!" Orik shouted, pointing at them.

"How exactly did you know that Orik?" Arya asked with a straight face.

"No, it's not like that. I just…never mind," Orik stuttered. Nasuada was laughing hysterically, and Arya had started to join her.

"I can't believe everyone who enters the Varden has to bet probed by two eunuchs. I can't believe I was afraid to be probed by two eunuchs," Murtagh muttered.

Eragon was still staring.

Ajihad was banging his head against the wall. "I," bang, "can't," bang, "believe," bang, "Deynor hired," bang, "two," bang, "eunuchs. We're dependent on two eunuchs," bang.

Arya ignored the Varden's leader and said, "Nasuada, why do you want to see that?"

Nasuada rolled her eyes. "Isn't it obvious?" she asked.

"I still don't get it," Arya said.

"I thought you'd be with me on this one, but I guess elves can't find human men attractive," Nasuada shrugged.

Ajihad stopped banging his head against the wall long enough to say, "Young lady, you are not supposed to want to see those things." He banged his head against the wall one more time for good measure.

Nasuada got up and pulled him away from the wall. "Father, what about you and mother? I know where baby's come from."

"Do you really want to think about that?" Ajihad said. Nasuada let go of him, and he resumed banging his head against the wall. Nasuada suddenly looked sick. She began to bang her head against the wall alongside her father.

Murtagh walked over, put his hand on her arm, and whispered, "Don't be upset about this. Look, come back to my room, and you won't be upset about this. Besides, I need to prove I'm not a eunuch to somebody here."

Nasuada looked very much inclined to acquiesce to this request, but Ajihad heard it too. He stopped banging his head against the wall, grabbed Nasuada's arm, punched Murtagh with his other arm, and yelled, "Murtagh, go back to your room, and if you ever touch my daughter, you will be a eunuch!"

Murtagh got out of there quickly. Ajihad turned to Nasuada and said, "Young lady, we need to have a talk."

Nasuada groaned, "Not this again," as she followed him out of the room.

Arya turned to Eragon and said, "The same that applies to Nasuada for Murtagh applies to me for you. Except I'll be the one making you a eunuch."

Everything went quiet. All the nosy gossips had their ears pressed against the wall and were listening to Nasuada and Ajihad argue. Eragon decided to take advantage of this opportunity. He turned to Orik and asked, "What's a eunuch?"

That's the end, folks. Please, leave a review before you click the back button.


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